Barbara’s Bulletin #6: Balance

When quarantine started I was determined to make the best of things: Be the best home school teacher for my kids, cook dinner every night, keep the house perfectly clean. In the beginning inspiration was everywhere. I saw Facebook post after Facebook post of people talking about using quarantine time wisely. In my mind the bar was set pretty high. Looking back I can definitely say I over did it in the beginning and then became totally burnt out down the line. The whole timeline is kind of jumbled up in my mind but I’m trying to go back over it and see where I made mistakes and how I can be better in the future.

I know in the beginning of it all Bob and I didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. Bob didn’t want my parents to be with the kids at all, which was very difficult for me because it meant losing my babysitters plus the kids absolutely love their grandparents. At first we tried to do it Bob’s way and limit contact with my parents. One morning I found a pack of juice boxes outside my door and when I found out my dad has left them for the kids my heart just broke. My dad couldn’t see his grandchildren because of Covid but he cared enough about them to leave them juice boxes. I can’t really explain why a pack of juice boxes really pushed me to my breaking point but I think it just really highlighted how much my parents were missing us and how much we were missing them. We started having my mother over on Monday’s to watch the kids while I worked and then visiting together on the weekends. It made me feel better but I know Bob wasn’t happy about it.

Then Bob and I fought about my job. I don’t really want to give away too many details of my job but I worked all through quarantine both in the office and at home even though my job is considered nonessential. To this day my job still asks me if I can take on more work and work extra days. It’s hard to say no to my job. It’s hard to go back and work less after I’ve spent months working more. I guess what I’m trying to say is my job is still another source of conflict in my life and I will probably give more details in another post.

Then there was the home schooling. I started off with such high hopes. Adam and I did projects together and worked on his skills. After one day of practicing with scissors he suddenly was a pro. We had daily play-dough time, which I was told would help him improve his hand strength.

Homeschooling was going fine until it wasn’t. Bob and I have both never wanted to be heavy handed when disciplining our children. Everyday we were becoming a little more lax. Bedtime was pushed later and later so that we could enjoy movies and shows as a family while Bob worked his night shift.

It also wasn’t easy to split my time between Adam and Lydia. Lydia has been in the terrible twos for all of quarantine and Adam is still only four. It wasn’t easy to keep Lydia busy so I could do zoom classes with Adam. Before quarantine Adam had a good schedule that worked with Lydia’s schedule. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he had afternoon preschool so Lydia was able to get her nap while I drove Adam to school and then drove home. On Tuesday and Thursday he had speech and occupational therapy (OT) in the mornings and then I would drive out to the beach with a packed lunch so Lydia could nap. Once everything moved to zoom the times changed. Suddenly he was getting speech via zoom and 1:00 and OT via zoom at 2:00. His zoom preschool times were sporadic throughout the week. Nothing was really lining up the way it did before. On one of the worst days I had to wake up Bob to help Adam with OT so that I could sit in the living room with an extremely cranky Lydia.

I was becoming increasingly frustrated. I was failing both of my children. Sometimes I felt like I was giving into Lydia too much because she was the one who screamed the loudest. I wasn’t fair to either of them. It wasn’t fair that Adam was starting to get some independence by going to preschool and then having it suddenly get ripped away. It wasn’t fair for Lydia to get used to a routine and get used to some time without her brother only for everything to suddenly change and throw her off.

I know I should feel guilty about the time we all spend in front of the TV at night but I don’t. I don’t regret letting my kids watch movies and shows filled with music and creativity. I don’t regret showing them movies that Bob and I watched as children. I see it as something that has opened doors to conversations and bonds. When Adam remembers my favorite character in a movie or Bob’s favorite part of a show I know that he’s learned something about us and in a way he’s showing us how much he loves us.

While Bob and I have a great relationship with our children, we don’t always have a great relationship with each other. Bob and I have always flat out told each other that we love our children more. Bob has said that he wouldn’t expect me to love him more than Adam and Lydia. Bob and I have our ups and down. As you can already tell by this post, we can disagree sometimes and it’s not always easy to come to a middle ground. Lately we’ve been arguing over household chores. For me it’s difficult to find a middle ground with cleaning and staying on top of everything. Sometimes I’m all in. Sometimes I try to reach deep down inside myself and find my inner neat freak. Bob does not like me when I’m on a cleaning spree because I get tough and I bug him to help out. The worst thing he said to me while I was in one of my cleaning modes is that I must be bipolar. The nicest thing he’s said is that at least I’m getting things done even if I’m in a bad mood the whole time.

Then my cleaning frenzies usually taper off. I tend to get discouraged easily. I’ve had people insult my housekeeping skills before including Bob’s mother. So if I’m not in a cleaning mood then I’m in an “I give up just let the mess take over” mood.

I love Bob and I’ve said countless times that I’m with the only person who knows how to handle me. Yes I know Bob works a difficult schedule. Yes I know Bob gives up sleep to spend time with his children but dear Bob please find 5 minutes of your time to clean up your dirty tissues off the bedroom floor and we’ll call it even.

The final thing that completely blew my quarantine balance was summer coming. This summer was particularly hard because every time Bob and I tried to take the kids out to the beach or the park we saw so many people breaking the rules, no masks, huge gatherings, people practically sitting in each others laps. So we spent a lot of time in doors because we just didn’t feel safe. Also our apartment gets so hot in the summer that it’s almost unlivable. We live in an old house and part of our apartment is an attic converted into living space (which I would not recommend). Every year we say we’re going to move out before we have to face another summer here and ever summer is just another reminder that we’ve failed.

Wow! So I didn’t mean to totally “empty my purse” like that but if you actually read this blog then I felt like I owed you an explanation for my long absence. I do want to start posting more and digging into more of these issues/feelings. Trust me when I say it’s not all bad. Also I hope Bob actually approves this post lol.

Xoxoxoxoxo
Love
Babs